Reframe the F-Word!
(Here’s an unedited excerpt on Failure from my upcoming book, “Hack Your Life.”) It think it’s important to take a few minutes to talk about that horrible f-word: Failure. The problem with failure isn’t failure. It’s the way we often look at failure. Let’s start small — real small. Let’s talk about a one-year-old child. That child is learning to walk. What happens when the child falls? Does the child get down on himself and say, “I’m just not cut out to walk.”? Do people around the child look on her with pity and say, “At least you tried. But some times you gotta let things go and live in reality.”? Of course not! Because falling is part of learning to walk. Somewhere in our lives many of us have learned that failure is to be avoided. School systems often reward getting the correct answer instead of rewarding engaging in the learning process. When that happens, we learn to avoid failure. Parents sometimes — knowingly or unknowingly — connect their acceptance of their child to the success or failure of their child. They praise success, such a good grades or goals scored, instead of praising engagement and grit. Of course you grow up wanting to achieve success and avoid failure. Our society makes a big deal out of success, too. The thing is that when you see someone written up as being a great success, you’ve know idea how much sweat and failure went into getting there. But if you want to grow, you need to reframe failure. The good news is that fear of failure is learned — which means it can be unlearned. Ask yourself these questions:
- Where did I learn to fear failure?
- Whose voice am I hearing when I hesitate?
- What if failure isn’t a sign I’m off track — but proof I’m trying something worthwhile?
Writers face a great deal of rejection. The first book in the “Harry Potter” series was rejected by the first 12 publishers that looked at it. Many first time authors receive 100-200 rejections before they get their first glorious acceptance letter (if they ever do). Thomas Edison tried well over 1,000 configurations of glass, gas, and filament that didn’t work before he finally got a light bulb that would last. Edison is the perfect example for learning to reframe failure in our lives. In response to a question about all his failed attempts, Edison responded, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.” For Edison, failure was not something bad. It was an accepted part of the process on the road to success. Somehow when we grow up we forget that, generally speaking, we have to do things poorly on the road to doing them well. I recall an interview I heard with a successful executive. The interviewer asked him what he attributed his success to.“Good decisions,” was the executive’s reply.“How do you make good decisions?”“Experience.”“How do you get experience?”“Bad decisions.” It’s funny. And it’s true. A survey of successful entrepreneurs will show you that failure is a regular part of their life. It’s not that failure isn’t failure. It’s just that failure isn’t bad. Not everything is going to work the first time you try it. Failure is part of the process. As a writer, I’ve read this advice: Don’t throw away your rejections letters. Paper your walls with them. Every rejection letter moves you one step closer to acceptance. You won’t learn to ski without falling. You won’t learn to play the piano without hitting wrong notes. And you will not master your craft without doing a lot of mediocre (or worse!) work first. It’s part of the process. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s work shows that people who believe abilities can be developed through effort (a growth mindset) are more likely to succeed long-term — precisely because they interpret failure as a chance to learn. You’ve got to embrace failure as expected and normal when you are trying to grow. It doesn’t mean you are bad. It doesn’t mean you are worthless. It doesn’t mean you are a no-talent slob. It just means that you are trying to push the limits on what you are able to do. And good for you! I’m proud of you!So embrace the F-word! You can sign up for the book release notification email list at Hack Your Life